Skipping out on seeing loved ones and enjoying a good meal just to dodge something that may or may not happen doesn’t seem like the best solution. Neither does flipping the table over and storming out, as appealing as it may sound. There is a better way.

Here are 6 tips you can use to help keep your wits about you and respond rather than react. These are built from my experience as an Empathy Activist and using the 5 Steps to Empathy, which enables people to clear barriers out of the way and have more positive outcomes.

Below that is Lifeology - a conversation “game” you can use with questions for everyone at the table.

Tip #1: Self-awareness is key

Pay attention to how thoughts are coming through and what the outcome might be if they are carried out.  It could be that you are going back to a reaction from childhood and need to overcome that now instinctive reaction. Or it could be a trigger from an adult situation. We all carry our own biases and stereotypes and past experience with these individuals can also have us coming from a place of judgment. Mindfulness of what’s happening in your head will help in selecting how to respond.

Tip #2: Take a “curious breath” 

The “curious breath” is another invaluable tool in any situation where we seek to formulate a response instead of merely reacting on impulse. When we are presented with stimulus – something we see, hear, touch or taste, for example – there is a tiny gap before we react. Go ahead and join me. Inhale. Feel the lungs expand and press against the ribs? Something like that is happening in your head at the same time. This is giving you the space to ponder - have the self-awareness to what’s coming up and contemplate what your next step is, which is hopefully to…

Tip #3: Respond rather than react

That curious breath creates room to turn things around and look at them from the other side. It’s in this space we can choose how to respond instead of merely react. It’s the reaction that is what often escalates the tension, whether its IRL or URL - a real conversation or a text, email or Slack. Taking a moment to compose a response instead of just reacting can mean the difference between a food feast and a food fight.

A quick thought on empathy…

An often-misunderstood E-word, empathy, is actually critical to surviving the holidays. Empathy is the understanding of another’s perspective or connecting with their feelings, as them. Don’t worry. Just because you see where someone is coming from doesn’t mean you agree with them. Empathy is foundational in successful communication, persuasion, collaboration and problem solving among many other skills. Awareness of the 5 Steps to Empathy, the actions to take in the moment to better understand another person, will help you pass the peas in peace.

My award-winning book, Tell Me More About That: Solving the Empathy Crisis One Conversation at a Time, provides a “compelling, moving and at times laugh-out-loud funny” deep dive into the 5 Steps using my own personal adventures and mis-adventures in trying to have empathy with strangers in my role as a qualitative market researcher.

Tip #4: Ask good questions 

If you want to be one of those people that asks what could be an insulting question of another guest, consider how you are phrasing the question if you want to get an honest answer rather than pissing someone off. People feel threatened when they are asked why using the word ‘why’.  This started in childhood when we first drew on the wall in marker and followed us to school and adult life. By rephrasing a question to use who, what, where, when or how, it’ll allow the other person to open up and share why with a more honest answer.

Tip #5: Tell me more about that

So here we are. You’ve asked the question, heard an answer and you may not be satisfied with it because it was superficial, dodged the question or wasn’t clear. A handy follow-up I always use is “tell me more about that…” This way you can get the other person sharing more and the honest, more nuanced answer lies in that second answer.

If you are on the receiving end and the questioner hasn’t followed my suggestion above, take a curious breath, acknowledge what you are hearing and ask a follow-up to clarify the question. Suggestions to try include: “I’m not following you, please tell me more about what you want to understand,” or “Could you clarify the question please?”

Tip #6: Integrate into understanding

Just because someone prefers oyster stuffing does not mean they are wrong. Integrate into understanding is all about making room in your mind that there are other ways to view the world. And that’s ok. Be curious and open to understand what the other person likes about it and it will create an opportunity to learn. This can be applied to a lot more than just stuffing vs dressing.

Use empathetic language to help the other person feel seen and heard. Phrases such as “I can see your point of view” or “I can imagine that felt...” to further the conversation and bring alignment for the people talking.

Don’t be afraid to ask for empathy for yourself. Use phrases like “I hope you can see where I’m coming from” to cue the other person that validation and acknowledgment of the other side is being called for.

Here’s a handy recap to keep with you…